One Step Foward. Two Steps Back.
by Sita Moonlight
Summary: The morning after Spike and Anya slept together, Buffy realizes what was right in front of her face the whole time. (I wrote this post-Entropy. Please read!)


Title: One Step Foward. Two Steps Back.  
Author: Sita  
Rating: PG-13 (Rating for language)  
Summary:The morning after Spike and Anya slept together, Buffy realizes what should be done with Spike. (I wrote this post-Entropy. Please read!)  
Spoilers: Up to Entropy.  
Disclaimer: BTVS belongs to Joss Whedon, UPN, and The little Grrrrr arrrghie dude called Mutant Enemy. Except, of course, Spike who is chained to MY jacuzzi tub. Buffy and Dawn I put away for safe keeping. And well Joss' brains are on display above my bed. Okies? lol.  
Distribution: Want. Take. Have. Just tell me where it's going first.  
  
AN: This story was origionally written after Entropy, it was posted on my other sn but....I don't want to talk about how I came to get a new one. So here it is.  
  
PLEASE REVIEW!  
  
  
The pancakes were burned. Her head was sore. And, she knew the bags under her eyes must of been huge and horrible looking. Buffy sighed, Oh well for trying to make Dawn another delicious breakfast. Especially when her heart felt like it had been broken into a million pieces.  
  
At least some people were happy relationship-wise. Willow and Tara could be heard giggling from upstairs. While down here, all Buffy could do was think about herself and what they had caught on tape yesterday.   
  
Spike and Anya? How? Why? She kept asking herself these questions. But, in the end, the only answer she could come up with was: it was her fault. All her fault. If she told Spike she loved him....  
  
She dropped the utensil which she held in her hand. Had she just admitted to herself that....No, she closed her eyes trying to shake the disturbing thoughts from her mind. She was *not* in love with Spike.   
  
"Buffy?" She opened her eyes to see Dawn approaching her from upstairs. She stood tall and put on a fake smile for her younger sister.  
  
"Morning, Dawnie. I-" She looked down at the burnt breakfast. "I was trying t-to make you another breakfast. But it-it came out all wrong. I'm sorry." Buffy looked down tears in her eyes.  
  
"Buffy? Are you okay?" Dawn asked, placing herself at a stool seated by the island in the kitchen. "I mean, the pancakes are good." She picked up a burnt pancake, cringing at the crunchy sound it made under her teeth and the horrible taste it possessed.  
  
"N-No. It's not! Nothings fucking okay!" Buffy yelled, tears falling down her smooth pale cheeks. She covered her mouth in shame of cursing in front of her sister.  
  
Dawn set down the burnt pancake and walked over to her crying sister, setting a comforting hand on Buffy's shoulder. "Is it Spike a-and Anya?"  
  
Buffy let out a dry laugh, "Why would I *still* be upset over that. I'm not even with the jerk anymore."  
  
"Buffy, it was last night. And you obviously still have feelings for him." Dawn said softly.  
  
Buffy set herself down next to Dawn. "I'm never right. I'm never okay. Everything this year has been screwed up. Hell, *my* whole life has been screwed up. First I fall in love with Angel who turns into a killing machine after I share my first intimate experience with him. Then-then there's Parker, who decides to do me and dump me. You know, like I'm just some toy." She stopped and cringed at her words before going on. For, that was exactly the way she had been treating Spike. "Then there's Riley. My big strong normal human who decides I have no feelings for him whatsoever and takes the next helicopter to who-knows-where, only to show up a year later, married and content. I think- no, I know, he just *wanted* to rub his happy life in my face. And then," Her voice cracked, as the events of last night replayed itself in her brain once more. "Then there's Spike. I was using him at first. I needed to feel. Needed to be alive. But, I came back for more of him. His-his smell, his taste, the way he feels. The way he just seems to make me feel so alive. He makes me feel. The longer I spend away from him. The more I want him. The more I miss him. But I know I can't have him." She looked over at her younger sister. "And I can't believe I'm telling this to you." She immediately went back to non-feeling mode. "It's Saturday, why don't you call Janice."  
  
"Buffy," Dawn spoke. "You were just letting your built up feelings out. The stuff you've kept inside for so long. Let go. Tell me. Curse, scream, cry, yell, laugh. Whatever you have to do. It's just, you never feel anymore. And you just were. Those tears on your face are proof. Buffy, I want you how you used to be. And, if that means you have to see Spike. Go ahead. See him. I fully support you. I love him like he's my big brother. I don't give a care what Xander and the others think. And frankly, you shouldn't either. Buffy, Spike needs you as much as you need him. So go to him. And don't deny it to yourself any longer, tell him you love him."   
  
Buffy stared at her little sister, shock evident on her face. When had Dawn grown up so much? Had she really not been there to notice this change in her fifteen year old sister?   
  
"I think Dawn's right." Buffy was surprised to see Tara approach her from the stairs. Her 'Hello Kitty' pj's rumpled and disheveled from her night and morning of fun with Willow. "Go to him."  
  
"But-" Buffy started.  
  
"I don't want to hear buts and I don't think Dawn does either. Last night I realized how much I was in love with Willow. And I know, I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman. I think last night you realized how much you were in love with Spike." Tara gave her a little shove towards the door. "Now go to him. I'll make more pancakes for Dawnie. Anyway, I *do* plan on moving back in soon."  
  
Dawn smiled at Tara giving her a giant hug.   
  
"But-" Buffy started again.  
  
"I told you we didn't want to hear buts." Tara said, gesturing to herself and Dawn.  
  
"But I look like crap," Buffy stated.  
  
Dawn and Tara smiled at each other. "Do you think he'll even notice your runny mascara or slightly messed up hair? He loves you too much. You're always beautiful to him. Now go."  
  
Buffy nodded, wiping the mascara trails off her cheeks with a damp napkin before heading out the door and towards her destiny: Spike.  
  
She kicked his door open like she did every other time she'd come to visit him. Why stop tradition?   
  
"Bloody hell slayer," Spike's voice was thick with sleep. And raspy from a night of crying. "Can a man not get any sleep around here. I have a bloody hangover. And I'm really not in the mood for another round of kick the Spike."   
  
"That's not what I'm here for." Buffy spoke simply, watching as his eyes traveled to her petite form.   
  
"Then what are you here for, luv?" He asked. "And *wow* no makeup, your hairs not even brushed!" He said sarcastically.  
  
She rolled her eyes, silently promising herself that she'd have a little talk with Dawn and Tara later.  
  
"And," He continued, not letting her get a word in edgewise. "If your here about last night. I was bloody well moving on like you told me to. So, I don't need a lecture why I can't have any other woman. So bugger off."   
  
"That's *not* why I'm fucking here. Will you let me talk?'" She said exasperated, yet she approached him anyway.  
  
"Okay," He spoke. "Tell me why your here. And it bloody well better be good."   
  
"It is." She said softly. "Trust me it is."  
  
She slowly walked over to him climbing gently on his lap before pressing a deep and passionate kiss to his lips. "I love you Spike-William The Bloody. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you as of now."   
  
She saw him smile like she'd never seen him before. And tears sprang to his baby blue eyes as he asked, "Are you proposing to me?"  
  
"Not yet." She said. "Lets wait a little while for that. Weddings don't seem to be in style right now."  
  
And she kissed him again. And, in between kisses she heard him mumble: "I love you too Buffy Anne Summers. I love you too."  
  
~finis~ 


End file.
